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Stefan's Florilegium

humor-msg



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humor-msg - 1/11/96

Period and SCA humor.

nOTE: See also the files: jokes-msg, SCA-dishes-humor-art, dance-par-art,
justers-msg, jesters-art, you-know-msg.

************************************************************************
NOTICE -

This file is a collection of various messages having a common theme that
I have collected from my reading of the various computer networks. Some
messages date back to 1989, some may be as recent as yesterday.

This file is part of a collection of files called Stefan's Florilegium.
These files are available on the Internet at: http://www.florilegium.org

I have done a limited amount of editing. Messages having to do with
seperate topics were sometimes split into different files and sometimes
extraneous information was removed. For instance, the message IDs were
removed to save space and remove clutter.

The comments made in these messages are not necessarily my viewpoints. I
make no claims as to the accuracy of the information given by the
individual authors.

Please respect the time and efforts of those who have written these
messages. The copyright status of these messages is unclear at this
time. If information is published from these messages, please give
credit to the orignator(s).

Thank you,
Mark S. Harris AKA: Lord Stefan li Rous
RSVE60@email.sps.mot.com stefan@florilegium.org
************************************************************************

From: Ioseph
Subj: Herald Hunting Season opens!
Date: 8 Dec 91

KINGDOM OF ATENVELDT HERALD SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
**********************************************************************

1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Atenveldt hunting license may harvest
heralds.

2. Taking of heralds with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of rare books as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of heralds with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead herald to roadside and proceed to nearest car
wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest heralds from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "newbie", "you -still- don't have a
device?", or "free Perrier!" for the purpose of trapping heralds.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt heralds within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use sheep, young squires, $100 bills,
bunny-fur bimbos, or newbies to attract heralds.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt heralds within 200 yards of
Royal Court, Baronial Court, whorehouses, health spas, sheep
ranches or used bookstores.

9. If a herald is appointed to Corporate office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted heralds must have a state health department
inspection for rabies and other vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a sheep,
newbie, Tuchux, bunny-fur bimbo or tavern keeper for the purpose
of hunting heralds.

12> It shall be illegal to hunt any herald in actual performance of their
duties.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Letter Writer 1
3. Common Back-stabber 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Herald EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Crown Kisser 2
10. Absent-Minded Device Loser $100 BOUNTY

***********************************************************************


Date: 21 May 92
From: aryk@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca (a.j.s. nusbacher)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Organization: University of Toronto

mjc+@cs.cmu.edu (Monica Cellio) writes:
>One problem with trying to use period humor is that so much of it is stale
>to our 20th century minds. Has anyone done any work in bringing medieval
>humor to the SCA?

A lot of mediaeval humour is really gross. Really really gross.

I used to tell a lot of Tyl Eulenspiegel stories at SCA events. When a new
translation of a 16th century German book of Eulenspiegel stories was pub-
lished in about 1985, I eagerly read it for new (old) Tyl stories. Aside
from a few really great ones (stop by at Pennsic and ask to hear about Tyl
Eulenspiegel and how he met the Pope), most of them were doo-doo jokes and
fart jokes. Mostly pretty funny, but mostly really disgusting to modern
sensibilities. Some people would laugh, others would make barfing noises
(alas poor Yoooooorick!), and I would feel embarassed.

It's not that it's stale, it't that the stuff that isn't rarefied intellectual
stuff is often really earthy.

(If you want an example, get me half-drunk and ask me about Tyl Eulenspiegel
and the King of Poland's Jester).

Aryk Nusbacher
aryk@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca


Subject: Tyl Eulenspiegel
Date: 25 May 92
From: aryk@gpu.utcs.utoronto.ca (a.j.s. nusbacher)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Organization: University of Toronto * Universitas Torontoniensis

The book I referred to was:

A Pleasant Vintage of Tyl Eulenspiegel born in the Country of Bruns-
wick. How he spent his life. 95 of his tales.

Translated from the edition of 1515, with Introduction and Critical
Appendix, by Paul Oppenheimer.

Wesleyan University Press, Middletown, Connecticut

M.CM.lxxij

This is a direct transcription of the dust jacket, which is why it is in that
weird format instead of modern bibliographic notation:

Oppenheimer, Paul, trans. _A Pleasant Vintage of Tyl Eulenspiegel_ etc.
Middletown, Conn.: Wesleyan University Press, 1972.

There is a more recent Eulenspiegel collection, though. I'm looking for the
reference. This one is filled with all sorts of sophisticated, highbrow
mediaeval humour.

Aryk Nusbacher .. .. Celebrating the 20th Anniversary
||_|| of Women Members of Hart House


Subj: Tyl Eulenspiegel
Date: 26 May 92
From: karplus@cse.ucsc.edu (Kevin Karplus)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca

Perhaps Aryk Nusbacher was looking for

Uniform title: Eulenspiegel (Satire). English.
Title: Till Eulenspiegel : his adventures / translated, with
introduction and notes, by Paul Oppenheimer. New York :
Garland, 1991.
Description: xcv, 214 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.

Series: Garland library of medieval literature ; Series B v. 74.

Notes: Translation of: Eulenspiegel.
Includes bibliographical references (p. [lxxxv]-xcv).

Other entries: Oppenheimer, Paul.
Garland library of medieval literature ; v. 74.


Or perhaps the children's book

Author: Janisch, Heinz.
Uniform title: Till Eulenspiegel. English.
Title: The merry pranks of Till Eulenspiegel / illustrated by Lisbeth
Zwerger ; translated by Anthea Bell. Saxonville, MA : Picture
Book Studio, c1990.
Description: [22] p. : col. ill. ; 25 cm.

Notes: Translation of: Till Eulenspiegel.
Cover title: Till Eulenspiegel.
Additional cover title: Till Eulenspiegel's Merry
Pranks.
"A Michael Neugebauer book."
Unfolds the life of the merry prankster Till, from his rowdy
infancy to his final joke at his own funeral.

Other entries: Zwerger, Lisbeth.
Bell, Anthea.
Till Eulenspiegel.
Till Eulenspiegel's merry pranks.

Knud Kaukinen Kevin Karplus
inactive in the West teaching at UC Santa Cruz


Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: nsmca@aurora.alaska.edu
Subject: Society Jokes?
Organization: University of Alaska Fairbanks
Date: Sun, 2 May 1993 06:39:25 GMT

Society joke (pardon is requested if it offends anyone):

How many knights does it take to light a candle?

None, Knights do there best work at night.
(pun on the word knight and not ref: sex).

How many knights does it take to light a candle?
None, that is what pages and squires are for.

The Phule strikes again.


Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: tbarnes@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (thomas wrentmore barnes)
Subject: Re: Society Jokes?
Organization: Indiana University
Date: Fri, 7 May 1993 22:50:45 GMT

On a related note:

How many squires does it take to change a candle?

It depends who's watching...

How many Pelicans does it take to change a candle?

1. Just one, but it takes years and years of hard work and dedication.

2. None, It's O.K. I'll just sit here in the dark...

Lothar.


From: dgreen@thor (David Greenebaum)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: Re: Society Jokes?
Date: 7 May 1993 23:57:25 GMT

>How many Pelicans does it take to change a candle?
>1. Just one, but it takes years and years of hard work and dedication.
>2. None, It's O.K. I'll just sit here in the dark...

3. ONE! I can DO IT MYSELF!! I don't need ANY HELP, OK?!!!!

--------------------- Bjalfi Thordharson/College of St. Katherine/Province of
|\ | |\ |\ |// | the Mists/Principality of the Mists/West Kingdom
| > | |\\ | \ |/ | David Greenebaum/University of California/Berkeley, CA
|< | | \ | | | dgreen@athena.berkeley.edu, dgreen@garnet.berkeley.edu
| > | | | | |
|/ | | | | | "I make mistakes, but I am on the side of good -- by
--------------------- accident and happenchance." -- the Golux


From: corun@access.digex.net (Corun MacAnndra)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: Re: Society Jokes?
Date: 8 May 1993 08:54:16 -0400
Organization: Express Access Online Communications, Greenbelt, MD USA

And then there's the ubiquitous.....

How many Tuchux does it take to light a candle?

Three. One to hold the gasoline....... ;-)

In service,
Corun
===========================================================================
Corun MacAnndra | A free society is one
Dark Horde by birth | where it is safe to be unpopular.
Moritu by choice | A. Stevenson


Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: AYLWIN@HOLONET.NET
Subject: Re: Society Jokes?
Organization: HoloNet National Internet Access System: 510-704-1058/modem
Date: Mon, 10 May 1993 12:29:45 GMT

After numerous lightbulb jokes...

One fair afternoon, the King and one of his knights were sitting in
the shade, arguing about sex. His Majesty proposed that it was 50% work,
and 50% pleasure, while the knight maintained that sex was 30% work, and
70% pleasure.
Finally, the knight said, "Your Majesty, allow me to offer a solution
to our debate. I will call my squire, who is a wise young man, and we
will ask him to decide."
The King agreed, and so the squire was called. After listening to the
arguments, he realized the precariousness of his position. No matter
what he said, he would either offend his Lord or his King.
The squire thought hard upon the matter, and said, finally, "Your
Majesty, my knight, I believe that sex is no work, and 100% fun."
The two were taken aback by this calm declaration, and his knight
asked the squire how he had reached such a conclusion.
"Well, my Lord, if sex involved any work, you would have me do it..."

Sir Aylwin the Flamehaired
Barony of Sentinels' Keep / Artemisia
Atenveldt

Who thanks His Lordship Aldwin Longwalker for first tell *him* the
joke...


From: dgreen@athena (David Greenebaum)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: Re: Society Jokes
Date: 6 May 1993 17:34:51 GMT

How many Norsemen does it take to light a candle?

Why bother with a candle? There's a monastery just over the next hill.

--------------------- Bjalfi Thordharson/College of St. Katherine/Province of
|\ | |\ |\ |// | the Mists/Principality of the Mists/West Kingdom
| > | |\\ | \ |/ | David Greenebaum/University of California/Berkeley, CA
|< | | \ | | | dgreen@athena.berkeley.edu, dgreen@garnet.berkeley.edu
| > | | | | |
|/ | | | | | "I make mistakes, but I am on the side of good -- by
--------------------- accident and happenchance." -- the Golux


From: mack@rathe.cs.umn.edu (Mack Read-Mackenzie)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: re: Society Jokes
Date: 7 May 93 15:58:22 GMT
Organization: Rathe, Inc.

A mental lapse from Corwyn -

Knights:
What is the difference between an Ansteoran Knight, a Caidan Knight, and a
Middle Kingdom Knight?

Well if said Knight is standing on a railroad track, and a freight train
is
rumbling directly at him:

The Ansteorran Knight would plant himself and take the charge on his
shield...

The Caidan Knight would avoid the charge and then hit it from behind
afterwards...

The Middle Kingdom Knight would turn his back and refuse eye
contact...


Laurels:
How many Laurels does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The Laurelate has decided that it isn't really ready to be changed
yet. Perhaps in another year the quality of its light will have deepened
and matured.


Pelicans:
How many Pelicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but with years of hard, unceasing effort where everyone can see.


Sorry... (but not very!)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

--
Sir Corwyn ap Rhys Greyrider,
From the Barony of Nordskogen
In the newly created Crown Principality of Northshield
In the MIDDLE KINGDOM.
MKA: K. R. Read-Mackenzie (rathe!mack@cs.umn.edu)


From: del@babel.DIALix.oz.au (D Elson)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: Society Jokes
Date: Sat, 08 May 93 01:19:28 GMT

Q: How many laurels does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, light bulbs aren't period.

Q: How many laurels does it take to blow out a candle?
A: None, that's a pelican's job.

Q: How many knights does it take to blow out a candle?
A: One, but the candle must be sure to accept the blow.

Del
-----------------------------------+-------------------------------------
D Elson | del@DIALix.oz.au del@adied.oz.au
-----------------------------------+-------------------------------------


Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
Subject: Re: Society Jokes
Organization: SCI Systems, Inc., Huntsville, Al.
Date: Thu, 13 May 1993 04:00:10 GMT

>In article <9305100848.aa03750@msi8500.micros.com> mike@micros.COM (Michael J.
Lonski) writes:
>>Q: How many Byzantines does it take to change a lightbulb?
>>
>>A: Three, one to change the light bulb and one to confuse the issue. :):):)

Q: How many Hordesmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: <SMASH!> What light bulb?

--
Gary Heston SCI Systems, Inc. gary@sci34hub.sci.com site admin
The Chairman of the Board and the CFO speak for SCI. I'm neither.
Hestons' First Law: I qualify virtually everything I say.


From: sbraslau@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.EDU (Stacy Braslau-Schneck)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: A riddle in gratitude
Date: 19 May 1993 07:01:00 -0400

Greetings to all of you gathered upon this bridge, from Adira in Western Seas

Not long ago I had the pleasure of finally attending my first event, after it
seemed that there was a curse laid upon me that I should not (the dolphins
tried to interfere but could only take up a small portion of the morning).
Although I was not able to spend much time there I did thoroughly enjoy
myself.

In celebration, and in gratitude to all of you here who sustained me in my
Dream while I was unable to attend a real event, I offer the riddle below.
It
is from _A Feast of Creatures: Anglo-Saxon Riddle-Songs_, by Craig
Williamson (1982), which I will soon need to return to the library, but I
enjoyed the 20 minutes or so I had of it.

I am a strange creature shaped for battle,
Coated in colors, dear to my lord.
Bright thread lurks and swings in my mail,
Cradles the death-gem, gift of a lord
Who grips and guides my body forward
Through the wide rush of war. In the clear
Court of day, I bear the glint of gold,
Bright song of smiths. Often I slay
Soul-bearers with thrust and slash.
Sometimes the hall-king decks me in silver
Or garnet praise, raises my power
Where men drink mead, reigns my killing
Or cuts me loose, hear-keen, swing-tired,
Through the broad room of war. Sometimes I sing
Through the throat of a friend - the curse
Of weapons. No son will seek vengeance
On my slayer when battle-foes ring death.
My tribe will not count children of mine
Unless I lordless leave the guardian
Who gave me rings. My fate is strange:
If I follow my lord and wage war,
Sure thrust of a prince's pleasure,
Then I must stroke in bridless play
Without the hope of child-treasure.
I am bound by an ancient craft to lose
That joy - so in sheer celibacy I enjoy
The hoard of heroes. Wrapped with wire
Like a bright fool, I frustrate a woman,
Steal her joy, slake desire. She rants,
Rails, curses, claps hands, chants
Unholy incantations - bladed words
In a bloodless battle I cannot enjoy.

Who am I?
------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who asked of the SCA in Hawaii, I cannot yet offer you
complete measure, yet when my friend and I approached the encampment
we were immediately welcomed and introduced to the Baroness, and stood
by for court. We witnessed a fine archery competition and the preparations
for Tourney but needed to leave before it could begin. The group seems
friendly and welcoming. My only wonder is how they manage to survive in
garb in Hawaii's weather!

My thanks to all of you who keep this bridge interesting and alive!

Adira

Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: pavao@cae.wisc.edu (Pavao Aaron)
Subject: Riddle me, again
Organization: U of Wisconsin-Madison College of Engineering
Date: 2 Jun 93 02:15:57 CDT

Greetings, goode Gentles, all!

Riddles are more than diversions. Riddles can make people think.

Just for the fun of it, I've been making up some riddles. I'd like to
make it a bit of a contest to see who can E-mail me the correct answer the most
swiftly, just for fun.

If you feel that rec.org.sca is not the place for riddles, I'll be
happy to explain now why I post them here. I hope that some of my riddles
provoke some thought, perhaps to some people who do not otherwise feel they
have the time to think in such ways. If you feel that riddles are not
appropriate for this bridge, I would listen to your arguements via E-mail.

The answer to my first riddle,

>A mayor, a judge,
>A salute, a knight,
>Lost to a lover,
>Won in a fight.

was, indeed, "honour," and was first answered correctly by Lord Thorn,
Joseph's Son. He shall receive one point.

Feel free to play or to press 'n' as you like.

Riddle me, riddle me,
A crafty rhyme,
Riddle me, riddle me,
A crafty time,

The first as it should be,
The askance at bed,
The thought is returning,
The anger has fled.

A riddle, a whim,
An answer is sought,
Can ye solve the riddle
My mind has wrought?

-> Chandler

SCA: Chandler Greyfeathre
MKA: Aaron Pavao
NET: pavao@cae.wisc.edu


Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: pavao@cae.wisc.edu (Pavao Aaron)
Subject: Re: riddle me
Organization: U of Wisconsin-Madison College of Engineering
Date: 13 Jun 93 14:50:36 CDT

kate@Micor.OCUnix.on.ca (Kate Sanderson) writes:
>So, Chandler, what WAS the answer to the first one???
>
>Kasia

Well, if I have my order right, the first riddle's answer was
'Honour' and the second's was 'Forgiveness.' There's a third one (and a pretty
tough one, if I do say so myself) floating about unanswered as well.

The answer to each riddle will be given in the riddle following it.
Each riddle will be posted as fast as they are answered. Unless nobody can
figure one out. Then I might just skip it and give a new one. And give the
answer. Maybe.

-> Chandler

SCA: Chandler Greyfeathre
MKA: Aaron Pavao
NET: pavao@cae.wisc.edu


From: hjfeld@acs.bu.edu (harold feld)
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: Re: riddle me
Date: 14 Jun 93 12:34:16 GMT
Organization: Boston University, Boston, MA, USA

For the good lord Chandler, and whoever else wishes to play, I offer
a few riddles of my own.

pavao@cae.wisc.edu (Pavao Aaron) writes:
> kate@Micor.OCUnix.on.ca (Kate Sanderson) writes:
>>So, Chandler, what WAS the answer to the first one???
>>
>>Kasia
>
> Well, if I have my order right, the first riddle's answer was
>'Honour' and the second's was 'Forgiveness.' There's a third one (and a pretty
>tough one, if I do say so myself) floating about unanswered as well.
>
> The answer to each riddle will be given in the riddle following it.
>Each riddle will be posted as fast as they are answered. Unless nobody can
>figure one out. Then I might just skip it and give a new one. And give the
>answer. Maybe.
>
>-> Chandler
>
>SCA: Chandler Greyfeathre
>MKA: Aaron Pavao
>NET: pavao@cae.wisc.edu

1) I am that great treasure, a gift of God, that without me men whither
and die. Wise men seek me in vain, armies lay waste to lands
in my name, but the poorest may own me with no fear of robbery.
Who am I?

The next two are based on the legends of the Jews:

1) A sweet smellin myrtle, hidden by a veil, untill that moment
when the enemy revealed, the myrtle grows a tree fifty cubits
high, and the Jews thus saved, now tell me who am I?

2) Made in twilight on the sixth day of creation/
I saved my master to my master's vexation.
Who am I?

3) I saw the sun for just one day
the Jew's to aid and their foes to slay
And the meanest, lowest servant vile
Saw visions greater than the Chariot of Fire
What am I?

Yaakov


Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
From: pavao@cae.wisc.edu (Pavao Aaron)
Subject: Riddle me...
Organization: U of Wisconsin-Madison College of Engineering
Date: 21 Jun 93 23:25:48 CDT

To All Goode Gentles, and Some Bad Ones, Greetings!

Wow. Looks like nobody liked my last riddle. It was:

One on the left,
And one on the right,
The first one is walked on,
The last is a fright.

A hint first, then the answer. The 'first' and 'last' mentioned in
the last two lines is talking about sylables. What gets walked on? Ground,
floor, path, old friends, hmm. The last is a fright? Fear? Blades? Death?
Think Rialto threads. "Outlandish at Outlandish." Teens! The answer:
"Florentine." One weapon in the left hand, one weapon in the right hand, first
sylable "flor," last sylable "tine" pronounced "teen." Admittedly, it would
take a small leap to get it, but that what riddles are for.

And now...

Riddle me, riddle me,
A crafty rhyme,
Riddle me, riddle me,
A crafty time,

Eggs of gold,
In trees they hide,
Eggs with many
Yolks inside.

A riddle, a whim,
An answer is sought,
Can ye slove the riddle
My mind has wrought?

That one should be considerably easier. And don't be afraid of being
wrong, folks, 'tis better to be wrong than silent. I'll give you a point for
trying (and a bonus point if you're right. And another point if you're the
first to be right).

Yours in Service to the Dream,
-> Chandler

SCA: Chandler Greyfeathre
MKA: Aaron Pavao
NET: pavao@cae.wisc.edu


From: fnklshtn@ACFcluster.NYU.EDU
Newsgroups: rec.org.sca
Subject: Re: Hospitals
Date: 9 Feb 1994 04:30:00 GMT
Organization: New York University, NY, NY

In article <1994Feb7.162728.6773@news.brandonu.ca>, chackowsky@news.brandonu.ca
writes:
>Hello, SCA
>
>Can anyone here point the way to any online documents concerning the
>establishment, running, and dark, secret inner workings of hospitals during the
>late middle ages (c.1500)? Or perhaps you've some tales to tell?

In my travels I have heard of a certain "doctor" who thought he could cure
lunacy.
His method consisted of immersing the unfortunate in a pit filled with wastes.
Depending on the degree of insanity, the poor fool would be immersed deeper or
more shalowly.
One of these "patients" was standing in his pit, immersed to the waist, when he
saw a nobleman out hunting.
The fool began to question the nobleman, the noble amused himself by answering.
"What is this?"
"My hunting saddle."
"What are they?"
"Hunting dogs"
"And this?"
"A crossbow."
"Do these things cost much?"
"My hunting gear costs me about 100 Shilings per year."
"And what do you do with these things?"
"I ride about the swamps and forests chasing after dangerous beasts."
"And this hunting, how much pay do you receive for what you catch?"
"I do not receive pay for it, but, if I had to place a price, I may save a
couple of Shilings per year on the food."
"My friend," said the fool, "You must run from here with all haste!"
"Why"
"Because the doctor is returning, and if I'm immersed to my waist, hearing what
I have heard, the doctor will surely immerse you to your neck!"

Shalom,
Nahum


From: ansteorra@eden.com (6/16/95)
To: ansteorra@eden.com
RE>Interkingdom A&S

On the class list for Interkingdom A&S:
>Cauldron Cooking

This is my Atlantean mistress's recipe for "Cauldron Puddle" (that's
the Lost Continent of Atlantis as in glug-glug, not the Kingdom of
Atlantia; she has an unbroken oral chain of pagan rites handed down
from the proto-Druids -- but I digress):

Kill one large adult male cauldron. Do not take a female; the
population needs to recover (notice how few cauldrons there are
around?). One male cauldron can mate with several females, producing
many tin cans (the larval forms).

Hang the cauldron under eaves like a pheasant (or peasant). Allow to
"season" (rust) for several months (less in Trimaris and Meridies;
hose it down daily in Atenveldt and Caid).

Ignite one large blowtorch -- acetyline works well, producing a lovely
tang (no metalworking pun intended). Play flame over cauldron,
suspended over a large flat rock, basting with motor oil, until
cauldron has melted into a puddle. Drizzle it over the flat rock for
lace cakes, or in small puddles for cookies.

Serve warm to Duke Jonathan the Robo-Duke, professionally-trained
stunt heralds with iron constitutions, and such. One large adult male
serves 4.

Respectfully submitted,
Daniel de Lincoln, currently running a fever
--
Tim McDaniel
tmcd@crl.com


From: ansteorra@eden.com (10/27/95)
To: ansteorra@eden.com
sca-lochac A Yeast Laurel's Drinking Manual.

Forwarded from Lochac list:
>
>___________________________________________________________________
> A Yeast Laurel's Drinking Manual
>
> Original is an Urban Myth, Modifications by Drake Morgan.
> Thanks for Katryn of the Forest
> and Meliora DiCurci for their help
>___________________________________________________________________
> Disclaimer:
>
>The Author of this work is clinically insane and therefore is not
>responsible for this work. He is not a yeast laurel, not a laurel
>(or a peer) of any kind and after this is certainly won't have a
>snowball's chance in hell of becoming one anyway.
>
>___________________________________________________________________
>
>SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
> unusually pale and clear.
>FAULT: Drinking Horn Empty.
>ACTION: Find the Autocrat and complain about the consumables until
> He/She gives you another beer.
>
>SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
> of your doublet is wet.
>FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or drinking horn is applied to
> wrong part of face.
>ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of a glassy lake.
> Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
>FAULT: Tankard being held at incorrect angle.
>ACTION: Turn tankard other way up so that open end points toward
> ceiling.
>
>SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
>FAULT: Improper bladder control.
>ACTION: Go stand next to nearest Squire. After a while, complain to
> their Knight about their Squire's lack of house training
> and demand a beer as compensation.
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
>FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
>ACTION: Find someone who will give you another beer and ask why
> it was in a glass in the first place, as they're not
> period.
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
>FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to court/
> bardic circle/peerage meeting in progress.
>ACTION: Insert rattan length down back of doublet.
>
>SYMPTOM: Room Spinning.
>FAULT: Your probably doing the bear dance.
>ACTION: Collapse and ask the populace, "What are they doing to
> the trees". Some Knight will take pity on you, sit you
> down and hand you a drinking horn. If the room is still
> spinning, stop drinking or keep drinking until it stops.
>
>SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
>FAULT: You are being carried out.
>ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another feast. If
> not, complain loudly to the autocrat that you are being
> kidnapped.
>
>SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling beams with banners
> hanging away from it.
>FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
>ACTION: If your tankard is full and no one is standing on your
> drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you
> get up; lash self to nearest pelican.
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of hedgehogs and almonds.
>FAULT: You have fallen forward.
>ACTION: See above.
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything his gone dim, your face is lying on something soft.
>FAULT: You have fallen forward in court.
>ACTION: Apologise to the King and Queen and make some excuse about not
> being a costume laurel.
>
>SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
>FAULT: The Feast has finished.
>ACTION: Panic.
>
>SYMPTOM: You can't spell "Mead" for your A&S Entry.
>FAULT: If you feel a compulsion to enter an A&S competition
> then it's time to stop drinking permenantly and ring
> the funny farm.
>ACTION: You can spell "Beer" instead. Laurels can't tell the
> difference between Mead and Beer anyway.
>
>SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot
> see anything in your bedroom.
>FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
>ACTION: Ring your Chronicller and check if another feast is on.
> If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
>
>Complements of.....
>
>Drake Morgan.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>|Email: drake.morgan@caa.gov.au| EMAIL Warning!!! |
>| PH: (06) 2685099 (BH) | |
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