"A Guide to making the most out of the SCA and its members" by Kim Huett. (humor). Such treats as: MOUNTAIN OYSTERS A LA KNIGHT, SQUIRE TONGUES IN TARRAGON ASPIC, PELICAN PIETY, YORKSHIRE LAUREL PUDDING, STEAMED HERALD FOOL, RHUBARB BARON LOGS.
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Mark S. Harris AKA: THLord Stefan li Rous
Stefan at florilegium.org
To: SCA-HUMOR at onelist.com
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 23:45:08 EST
From: Morgana Abbey <morgana.abbey at juno.com>
Subject: [SCA-HUMOR] recipes
Enough with the serious topics! We're starting to sound like an old skit.
Try this. It made the rounds about a year ago.
THE SAWNEY BEAN COOKBOOK
A guide to making the most out of the SCA and its members
By Kim Huett, RUB Productions
MOUNTAIN OYSTERS A LA KNIGHT
A delicious appetizer made with one of the least used parts of the domesticated Knight. If you have on hand a Knight who has been put out to pasture but is in no demand for stud (and let's face it, isn't that usually the case?), why not make the best of the situation. Keeping in mind it's not necessary to kill the Knight for this recipe; a local anesthetic will allow you to obtain everything you need. I personally recommend this option because otherwise you will need to stuff the rest of the Knight into the bin (difficult due to their great weight) or turn him into a beanbag cover (the end result is most amusing, but it's hard work cleaning and gutting a Knight).
Using an extremely sharp knife, carefully sever the testicles, making sure to leave behind as smooth a surface as possible. Like all organ meats, they are highly perishable so should be prepared immediately. First soak them for at least one hour in a large quantity of cold water with a teaspoon of vinegar to release any blood. Next, bring them slowly to boil and simmer uncovered from two to five minutes, depending on their size. When they have cooled, drain and trim off any cartilage, tubes, connective tissue, and tougher membrane. Give this to the dog who will appreciate it. Roll in seasoned flour and wrap in a strip of fatty bacon. Fry till a golden brown and arrange upon a bed of shredded Mandrake leaves. Best served while donor is absent.
SQUIRE TONGUES IN TARRAGON ASPIC
Any Knight will tell you that the tongue is the least useful organ for any Squire to possess and most will be quite happy to provide you with any they have access to. Just remember not to ask how they go about it, you really don't want to know. Just remember to always impress on the Knight that the tongues need to be fresh and in one piece. Once you have them, fill a saucepan with water, add 500g of salt, 12g of saltpetre, and bring to the boil. Place the tongues in a tub and cover with the brine. After two or three days you should have beautifully cured tongues from which all gristle and skin now can be removed. Surprise the dog again.
Put the tongues in a saucepan along with a roughly chopped carrot, onion, and stick of celery. Add a bay leaf, a few black peppercorns, and a little salt. Cover half-and-half with cold water and white wine. Bring to the boil and simmer for 30 minutes. Remove the tongues and leave to cool. Strain the liquid into a clean pan and add four sprigs of tarragon. Allow this to simmer for several minutes and to this add half a tablespoon of dissolved gelatin. Mix thoroughly and strain a thin layer into some small moulds, one for each tongue. Lay a tarragon leaf in the centre of each, then a tongue. Once this is done carefully pour the rest of the liquid into the moulds and leave to set in a cool place.
The perfect recipe for tough cuts of meat, ie. anything off a Pelican, not suitable for other dishes. I wouldn't recommend tackling this recipe unless you are feeling particularly fit as Pelicans are notoriously difficult to catch. Your best chance is to wait till the end of a feast and wave a tea towel just outside the kitchen door.
Cut meat from the bone. Pick over carcass for all edible bits of meat- there won't be much. Mince or chop what you do find thoroughly. Put a tablespoon of lard (renderings from a Baron or Baroness are best) to melt in a medium saucepan. Chop an onion finely and fry in the lard til golden. Stir in a tablespoon of flour and at least 500g of the meat. Cook until the Pelican mince takes a little colour then add 600ml of chicken or beef stock and a few drops of Worcestershire sauce. You might like to add some sweet white wine if the Pelican of your choice was especially bitter or not from Politarchopolis. Chop some parsley and stir in a tablespoon worth. When the gravy is quite thick pour into a gratin dish and cover with thick layer of pastry. Preheat the oven to 180C. Paint the pastry with a little butter and put the pie into the oven for 20 minutes. Best served with boiled root vegetables.
YORKSHIRE LAUREL PUDDING
Throughout Medieval Europe beef was the preferred feasting meat due to its attached social status. In the same manner the highlight of the modern banquet is most likely to be the Laurel dish. For this reason it's very important to make the right choice when selecting a Laurel. If at all possible procure a Brewing Laurel for the rich flavour as they tend to be well marinated. If this isn't possible then a Cooking Laurel is usually quite acceptable unless they were in the habit of making bread as that does tend to leave an unpleasant yeasty flavour. Costuming Laurels can also be used at a pinch provided all pins and needles are removed. Under no circumstances consider Armouring Laurels (too gamey) or Dancing Laurels (far too tough and stringy).
Thoroughly clean and skin your Laurel, carefully removing limbs or any other extremities which might not fit into your oven. Chop all these pieces up and cook in a separate pan to make the gravy. Mix a teaspoon of mustard with a teaspoon of sherry and rub this into your roast. Place the meat on a rack over a baking dish and cook at 170C for 45 minutes. Whisk half a dozen eggs for five minutes; add 500g plain flour and just enough milk to make the mixture slightly runny. Take the roast out of the oven and pour the batter into the hot baking dish. Replace the roast and put it back into the oven for another hour. When the roast and batter appear to be nearly done take the other baking dish out of the oven and remove the various limbs etc. Mix in several tablespoons of plain flour til a smooth thick gravy forms. For additional flavour and colour a dash of sherry or red wine can be added. The roast should be carved and served with no accompaniment besides a slice of pudding and no garnish but the gravy.
STEAMED HERALD FOOL
While this is not a true fool there is such an overabundance of Heralds and so little use for them that I don't think anybody will mind. As any good cook knows there is no need to be fussy when it comes to choosing a herald. (Nobody fussed over them while they were alive so why start now?) One is as good as the next when it comes to dessert. My only recommendation is that if at all possible use one having trouble pronouncing Welsh names or similar. We might as well do what we can to improve the gene pool.
Put kilo of deboned, fat-free Herald into a saucepan and cover it with water. Boil this for at least three hours, scooping the fat off the top at regular intervals. When ready remove from the pot and let drain for 10 minutes or so. Once cooled finely mince the meat and put to one side. Thoroughly mix in a blender 90g butter, 120g sugar, 180g flour, and two eggs. Wash a kilo of small ripe plums and toss them in sugar. Butter the inside of a large ovenproof bowl. Coat it with the batter mixture, then add a layer each of plums and Herald. Repeat the process until all is used up, having mixture on top. Cover with greaseproof paper and steam for at least 2 hours. You will find the sweetness of the plums will combine with the natural bitterness of the Herald to produce a deliciously tart flavour. Serve warm with thick clotted cream.
RHUBARB BARON LOGS
Despite its name any nobility can be used in this recipe. From experience I would recommend Landed Barons or Baronesses as being your best choice since they aren't likely to be missed by anybody but the Heralds. Into a square enamel baking dish lay alternatively thick sticks of rhubarb and thick strips of flesh from the belly or hindquarter which have been boiled at least an hour in a half-and-half mixture of rosewater and honey. Pour in a little water and sprinkle over a tablespoon of castor sugar. Let this bake at a low temperature in an oven for 6 or 7 hours. Dissolve 30g of gelatin into a litre of hot water. Add the juice of 3 lemons and the white of an egg and mix thoroughly. Remove the baking dish from the oven and pour the lemon jelly into it. Allow the mixture to cool, cut crossways into 4cm wide logs and serve cold.